my sisters told me i shud speak my mind

a heartless goodbye

her mouth undid my resolve
her eyes forced a forgiveness
I wasn't ready to give
she slid in between me
and the unhappiness
of everything
her lips danced with mine
a chorus of black magic
behind my tired eyes

she broke my resolve
she undid my courage
with a touche of her breath
she filled my lungs
air thick and foggy
it eroded my vision
my purpose, my nature
i dis-remembered my sadness
forgot my listlessness
foolishly, stupidly
i forgot the nature of my despondence

i fell into a water
calm and clear
but as i emerged
i find it had not been enough
to clean the mud from my skin

mother i love you,
father, i do
if only you knew
the things i do
i carved out a life
out of clay and mud
and the rain has come to make it bleed
it washes my sins into the sea
and i become shameless
and undecided
what does the future hold for me?
what am i to say
to the girl who pleads she loves me

i am neither here
nor there
im in between
clinging onto past, present
whilst the future pushes and grinds
its back into mine
do i give in?
or do i depart?
and leave nothing but a heartless goodbye?

...who screams at my tardiness...

these are the reasons i think that im ill...

she promised me a life
where i would be queen
and she herself a king
and i took up the thought
created a paradise
a dream
from a few scattered words
a few immobile notions
of something
ill-constructed
of something
ill-fated

as they say,
what begins in chaos
ends in chaos
from fire we were born
with fire we are exhumed

i cling to hope
i cling to a promised paradise
a dream created through morsels of happiness

the truth which bends
the truth that dents
is painted in past poems
in past horrors

it screams our hopelessness
it exhibits the violent despair
which created me
it demands attention
to the facts of my lurid past
it dismantles me
it destroys us

we become creatures
imprinted in the night sky
dead, bloody, lonely
we are the winter
and the rain
we are nothing
but hopelessness disquised

“Love? Be it man. Be it woman.
It must be a wave you want to glide in on,
give your body to it, give your laugh to it,
give, when the gravelly sand takes you,
your tears to the land. To love another is something
like prayer and can't be planned, you just fall
into its arms because your belief undoes your disbelief.” 
― Anne Sexton, The Complete Poems